LYNCHBURG, VA — Junior class president and vice president candidates, Nathan Nickerson and Darrian Graves, respectively, modestly promised Friday to give every student free tuition, bring back double swipes, and personally deliver a puppy to every attendee of the university, given they win the nomination.
“If we win, the school will undoubtedly grant us the power to give students what they want,” Nickerson maintained. “Liberty has always been great with granting its student government power to act when we hear the desires of the student body. We’re going to utilize [that] and give everyone puppies.”
Upon being asked how they will improve relevant issues on campus like parking and dress codes, Graves continually replied with how soft puppies are and how wonderful it would be if students could get two sandwiches an hour instead of one.
Before the polls open on Wednesday, September 21, the candidates plan to hand out Starbucks giftcards so as to attract a historically politically negligent demographic – white girls.
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