327 Females Lose Consciousness in Convo, Emerging Disease to Blame


LYNCHBURG, VA – Panic ensued at the Vines Center Monday morning when 327 female students lost consciousness simultaneously during Convocation. A newly emerging disease, Intense Female Fangirling (IFF), is to blame and is reportedly experienced when girls come in visual contact with male members of Campus Band.

Several witnesses reported hearing the victims whisper, “He’s so talented” or “I just really love his heart for worship” before dropping to the floor. One girl is reported to have sighed, “Maybe the lead guitarist is my Boaz.”

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” experienced EMT Douglas Green stated in reference to the event. “I worked as an on-site paramedic at One Direction concerts for four years before transferring to Lynchburg, and never has a case of IFF been so widespread.”

“It was crazy,” sophomore computer science major Carson Robinson reported after witnessing the event. “One minute they were posting videos of ‘Good Good Father’ on their Snapchat stories, and the next they were on the ground. They didn’t even have time to add a filter.”

“This has to stop,” Green disclosed. “LUPD doesn’t have the manpower or the Dining Dollars to continue reviving these females with Starbucks gift cards.”

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