LYNCHBURG, VA – A campus report was released earlier today disclosing that 76% of residential Liberty students, in order to continue functioning, prefer to drink Joe Beans coffee rather than have a good night’s sleep.
Sleep, once perceived as an essential bodily function for optimal health and performance, has been ousted from popular preference and replaced with Joe Beans’ coffee, according to the report.
Students shared about their fondness for coffee over the “waste of time” that is a good night’s sleep.
“Why would I make myself endure a peaceful night of essential physical and mental rest when I could just get an iced triple-shot jumpstart?” Stephen Sneed, a Liberty senior insisted.
“You can’t taste sleep, so why do it?” persuasively reasoned Stephanie Demmon, another student who favors Joe Beans over sleep. “I mean if I can choose between a PSL or hours of my body doing literally nothing, duh I’m going for the pumpkin coffee.”
Another report will be conducted during the week before final exams. The results are projected to continue to inflate in favor of Joe Beans, while sleep will continue to take a back-burner position as optional and non-essential.
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