JERRY FALWELL LIBRARY – An updated itinerary for the Jerry Falwell Library’s “De-Stress Week” contained an addition reading “New! Calvinist Corner.” Reportedly, this new inclusion to the week’s relaxing activities will involve placing a student in a study room with a theologically reformed man and allowing him to soak the student in deterministic messages of encouragement.
“Listen, Logan,” the Calvinist said to a visiting student. “Don’t stress about your grades. They were chosen before the foundations of the world were laid.”
“You can’t earn grace, and you can’t earn that A,” the Calvinist assured Dustin Wahl, a junior political science major who just couldn’t find enough comfort in the puppies next door.
Library officials say that preliminary student feedback is positive. Students are finding incredible comfort in knowing that the entirety of their lives have already been determined and they have no responsibility whatsoever to achieve anything.
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