Rot, Garbanzo, Star Ginger Closed; Student Body Declares State of Emergency


LIBERTY UNIVERSITY – The Liberty University student body has declared a state of emergency after realizing that primary campus food establishments have been prematurely closed for the semester.

Jack Heaphy, student body president, released a statement calling for aid:

“My students are starving. Conditions are growing more and more dire by the minute. The freshmen are waning the fastest. I can’t survive on Wholly Habaneros for long. Please send help to my school.”

Countless cases of not being able to “even” are being reported. As no aid organizations are taking the request for benevolence seriously, pandemonium is only expected to increase drastically.

At publishing time, total casualties had reached zero.

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